Blame it on Texas Page 16

  ***

  Carol and Katie had gone to see a movie, a "chick-flick" as they called it, and Logan wasn't invited to tag along. He'd come home early, as he'd done for the past week, expecting to spend the evening with them, and now they were gone and he was bored.

  He punched a button on the remote, fast losing hope that he could find something to watch on television to fill the silence. Now that he had full custody of Katie and the added bonus of an end to the child support payments, he was at loose ends. For the past two years the thought of getting Katie back had consumed his thoughts whenever he wasn't buried in work.

  Now he thought of Megan constantly, but he was afraid winning her back would be harder than the custody battle had been. He remembered Carol's statement the day she'd handed him the diary. "Read it for Katie, and for Megan."

  It still lay on the coffee table, untouched. He'd thought about hiding it, but then he'd have had to face Carol's censure. It was hard enough to deal with her knowing looks and less-than-subtle prodding. Sometimes she sounded just like Mom.

  With a sigh of defeat and less-than-steady hands, he turned the television off and picked up the diary. Though he was tempted to turn to the last page and read his mother's thoughts in the final entry, he forced himself to start at the beginning.

  As he read, his mental picture of his mother began to shift. With the wisdom and experience of adulthood, he could feel her joy as she wrote about his birth, and later, Carol's. He felt her sorrow when her own parents passed away. He'd been too young to remember, to understand, but now he understood her feelings of guilt over not visiting often enough when her own life was full to overflowing with kids and animals and a house to care for.

  One entry caught his attention, and he read it twice to make sure he hadn't misread it the first time.

  February 14, 1980--Today is the day to plant potatoes, but it's rained for two weeks straight. The garden sits empty of vegetables, with only water to fill the rows. It makes my heart ache to have to wait. The greatest joy of Valentine's Day is the precious time Charles gives me to work in the garden while he watches the children.

  Of course, he's unhappy too, because now he has no gift to give me. But he's promised to watch the children another day, as soon as the ground dries enough for me to sink my fingers into the ground I prepared so carefully in the fall. I thank God every day for giving me a husband who understands and indulges my love of the land, who continues to scratch a living from the soil even though it would be easier to work at the grocery in town.

  He talked again last night of selling the farm and moving to the city where he could make more money so I could have better medical care. I hate to admit, dear diary, that we had a ferocious argument about that. I'm ashamed to admit that I actually raised my voice to him in a most unladylike fashion.

  But what fulfillment would there be if I extended my life, only to live it in misery? I want to live here, and die here. Whatever time God gives me is precious, and I mean to make the most of it.

  Until tomorrow, dear diary. I think I will take advantage of Charles' presence in the house, and the children's early bedtime, to make up with my husband.

  Logan lowered the book to his lap, his mind too confused to continue. His mother was the one who had wanted to stay on the farm? He'd always thought it was his father's decision. He vaguely remembered bits and pieces of the argument. He'd been eight years old at the time and he still remembered how excited he was when he first heard one of them mention moving to town. Somehow, over the years, his memory had laid the blame for that lost dream on his dad. And why did his mother need better medical care?

  He put the diary back on the coffee table and went to the kitchen for a beer and a bowl of popcorn. He'd just closed the door to the microwave when the phone rang. He pushed the start button on the oven and picked up the phone.

  Before he could say hello, Megan said, "Carol, call me back when the coast is clear. I need to ask you something."

  "Megan? Wait. Carol isn't home."

  But there was silence on the other end of the line. She'd hung up. He'd wanted to tell her how much he missed her. Wanted to find out where she was. How she was. He tried the call back feature on the phone, but got a recording that the caller was out of the service area.

  As he munched on a handful of popcorn, he thought about the call. Then he remembered other calls where Carol had rushed to the phone, then hung up, saying it was a wrong number. She'd always excused herself a few minutes later and disappeared into her room.

  Evidently she'd been talking to Megan all along. And she must know where Megan was staying, despite her claims to the contrary. He wandered back into the living room, still thinking.

  Megan didn't want to talk to him. Well, he could understand why if his guess was right about why she'd left in such a hurry. Carol didn't want him to know she was in contact with Megan. That meant she was either up to something or hiding something. She'd been humming a lot while she cooked lately, too. Definitely up to something.

  He settled back onto the couch with his snack and picked up the diary again. He read the highlights of his childhood, smiling occasionally at things he'd forgotten, small pleasures that were the result of being part of a loving family. His mother had a lively writing style that entertained him, even as it revealed her innermost thoughts and dreams.

  Before he realized it, he'd reached the last entry. He didn't want to read it, but he knew he must. He'd already come this far. He'd learned about his mother's heart condition, that she hadn't been expected to survive childbirth, yet she'd chosen to take the risk. That the specialists had told her she wouldn't live past the age of twenty-five, yet she'd made it to her thirty-second birthday.

  He'd learned she'd fallen in love with Charlie at first sight. That she'd never regretted marrying him and having his children. That because she knew she wouldn't live to see those children grow up, she'd tried to teach them independence at a young age, making sure they would be able to care for themselves after she was gone.

  Logan pressed his fingers to his temple, took a deep breath, and turned the page.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  May 17, 1984. Something isn't right this morning, dear diary. I almost asked Charlie to stay near the house with me today and I've never done that before. I'm not sure what's wrong. Maybe I'm only worried about Logan. He seems so unhappy at school. He comes home each day with his shoulders slumped a bit more than the day before.

  I shouldn't have asked him to come straight home from school. He works too hard for a young boy. He should have time to play with friends, time to be a boy. Responsibility will catch up with him soon enough, when he is grown. Carol has more time to play and be a child, being the youngest and a girl. I need to try harder to give Logan time to enjoy life.

  And since when do I need another to do my gardening for me? Just because this heart of mine has beat years longer than the doctors expected, that's no reason to stop doing the things I love. I feel so blessed to have been granted my hopes and dreams, to have lived a life full of love and laughter. Especially since the time for my death has long passed and still I remain.

  Now that Charles is well enough to go back to the fields, dear diary, it is time--past time--for me to get back to digging in the ground.

  When Logan gets home, I'm going to send him out to play after all because it just wouldn't be the same not pulling the weeds and planting my beloved tomatoes myself.

  The plants are beginning to droop and need to be planted. So, until tomorrow, dear diary….

  Logan closed the book and leaned his head against the back of the couch. He wasn't sure what he felt, what he thought. Relief? Release? Mostly he felt lost, as though he'd never really known his parents after all, and now it was too late.

  ***

  Megan sat on the edge of the bed, her hand over her mouth. She hadn't expected Logan to answer the phone. Carol was there every evening and had always managed to pick up the telephone before he did. She'd almost blown it w
hen she heard him call her name. She'd wanted to reach through the phone and touch his face, to answer him back.

  But Carol had told her not to talk to him until he'd read the diary or nothing would change. He would still carry his burden of guilt and it would affect every part of any relationship they might have. So she'd hung up and thought her heart might shatter.

  She'd discovered over the last few weeks that her dream was hollow without Logan to share it with her. She had everything she'd thought she wanted, and it all meant nothing. She loved the town, the people, her job. She loved looking out over the pasture to watch Blue romp with Daisy and Dollie, her two female Blue Heelers. She loved working in her garden.

  But she loved Logan more.

  ***

  "I know you know where she is. So why won't you tell me?" Logan paced across the room while Carol lounged sideways across the overstuffed armchair in her bedroom. He was ready to throttle her for being so stubborn.

  "Because you haven't changed. Megan doesn't need or want a keeper. She wants someone who will love her unconditionally. Someone who will share her dreams and work side by side with her to make them come true."

  He nearly growled in frustration. He'd badgered Carol for a week, trying to get her to tell him where Megan was. She'd just smiled sweetly and shook her head.

  "Then at least do one thing for me. The next time you talk to Megan, tell her I want to see her. I need to explain about that phone call. I need to let her know we were only tossing ideas around. I wasn't seriously considering it."

  Carol raised one eyebrow and gave him a skeptical look.

  "Okay, maybe I did think about it, just for a little while. But I know now it would have been wrong to marry someone just to get custody of Katie."

  "Do you really? Do you have any idea what a real marriage should be? What you had with Sue Ann didn't even come close. Megan would wither and die in that kind of relationship, and I won't let you do that to her."

  Logan dropped onto the foot of the bed, his hands between his knees. "Yes, I do know. I…I read the diary."

  Carol's mouth dropped open, but all she said was, "Oh."

  "That's it? After all the days of nagging and sulky silence, all you can say is Oh?"

  She shook her head and swung her legs around so that she was facing him, her feet on the floor. "So now you know it wasn't your fault? Mom had a heart condition. She hadn't expected to live as long as she did. And she died doing what she loved."

  "Yes. That doesn't excuse the fact that I didn't come home when I was supposed to. At least maybe she wouldn't have died alone."

  Carol jumped up, walked across the room, and stopped in front of him. "Damn you, Logan. How long are you going to carry that load of guilt? Until it kills you, too? No one can second-guess God, least of all you. If it was Mom's time, it would have happened whether you were there or not. And how much harder would it have been for you? You were only twelve, for God's sake. Don't you think finding her was enough of a burden for a child?"

  "But…"

  "Be quiet for a minute. Think about Katie. Would you want her to watch you die of a heart attack, knowing there was absolutely nothing she could do to help you? Would you want her to hate Dallas because that happened to be where you died? Would you want her to carry a load of guilt all her life for something that wasn't her fault?"

  Carol was furious with him, and he wasn't sure why.

  "Of course not, but that's different."

  She whirled around, fists clenched, and took a deep breath. When she turned back, she said, "If you continue to work like you've been doing, your daughter might end up just like you. Blaming herself because she couldn't stop you from dying. Is that what you want?"

  "No. But I'm not going to die any time soon."

  "Oh, you know that for sure? When did you get that revelation?" She stopped and he watched her struggle for control. "Can't you see your daughter is miserable? If you're planning to keep her cooped up in this apartment, you might as well give her up and send her back to Baton Rouge. She'd resent you either way, but at least she'd have her mother."

  She turned and strode from the room, slamming the door behind her.

  ***

  Logan sat at the breakfast table across from Carol the next morning, still stinging from her outburst the evening before. He'd had plenty to think about during the long, sleepless night, and some decisions to make. "I'm taking Katie to Morris Springs this weekend. Do you want to go?"

  Carol shook her head. "No. I want to go to Austin and water my houseplants, pick up my mail, and check on my apartment. If you're taking Katie with you, this would be a good time for me to go home for a couple of days."

  "Okay. I'm hoping if I take her to see Blue, she might at least start talking to me again. And I need to go through the things you put in storage to see if there's anything she wants to keep." He got up and poured them both a cup of coffee, then sat back down.

  Carol took a sip from her cup, then set it down and added a teaspoon of sugar. "Are you going to go by the house?"

  "Yes." He gathered up the courage to speak aloud the decision he'd made but had kept to himself. "I'm going to see if the new owner would be willing to sell it back to me. I'll offer them a nice profit and to pay for their moving expenses."

  Carol's eyes widened. "Are you serious? Why?"

  "Because I've decided to move back to Morris Springs, permanently. Then I'm going to find Megan, with or without your help."

  She cocked her head and looked at him from under her lashes so he couldn't see the expression in her eyes. "Have you told Katie about this decision?"

  "No. I didn't want to get her hopes up until I found out if the new owner would sell."

  "That's probably a good idea. Well, I'd better get packed if I'm going home. Are you leaving tomorrow?"

  "I guess I might as well. There's no sense in putting it off. Why?"

  "No reason. Just wondering."

  Logan wondered what was going through her mind. She kept her expression neutral, but he'd swear she was nearly trembling with excitement. Maybe she was hoping he'd see Jake. He probably would, but that didn't mean Jake would ask about her, or send a message back with him. "We'll leave early in the morning and come back Sunday night."

  Carol pushed her chair back and stood. "That sounds good to me. Have you told Katie about the trip yet?"

  "No, I want to surprise her in the morning."

  He thought he heard her murmur something about a big surprise, but he missed most of what she said as she walked out of the room.

  ***

  Logan took the long way around so he wouldn't have to drive through town. He wasn't ready to face anyone there yet, not until he knew what his future would hold as far as the farm was concerned.

  Katie had chattered the entire trip as though a dam had broken and she couldn't hold back the flood of things she wanted to say. "I can't wait to see Blue. I'll bet he's missed me," she said as they turned into Jake's driveway.

  "I'm sure he has. He'll be glad to see you." Logan parked the suburban and honked his horn in case Jake was out at the barn. The front door opened and Jake stepped out of the house.

  "Hey, Logan. What are you doing back here?" Jake strode down the steps and shook his hand. "Did Carol come with you?"

  "No, she went to Austin for the weekend. I brought Katie out to see Blue. Is he down at the barn?"

  Katie slipped her hand into his and he squeezed hers gently.

  Jake rubbed a hand around the back of his neck, then slipped his hands in his back pocket and rocked back on his heels. "No. I had to give him away. He wouldn't stay here, kept going back to Charlie's place."

  Logan looked down at Katie and saw tears welling in her eyes. Damn. "Who did you give him to? I'll take Katie there."

  Jake cocked his head to one side. "He's at Charlie's. I gave him to the new owner, since that's where he seemed to spend most of his time."

  Logan looked down at Katie and smiled. "He shouldn't be too hard to find
then. You ready to go meet the new owner?"

  Katie nodded and grinned back at him. "I hope they won't mind."

  Jake laughed and ruffled Katie's hair. "Somehow I don't think they'll mind at all."

  Megan packed the last of her clothes into her suitcase and looked around the bedroom. She would miss this room with its high ceilings and large windows. She figured two more days would be enough to get all of her belongings into storage, then she'd be ready to go back to Dallas. She could only hope Logan would be glad to see her.

  She'd thought about him every single day. But she had no way of knowing if he'd thought about her at all. Carol seemed to think he missed her. At least she knew he'd read the diary. Whether or not it had had any affect on him, she wouldn't know until she saw him again.

  She couldn't move on with her life until she knew how he felt. If he didn't want her, didn't love her, she'd come back and get on with her life. If he did, she'd sell the house back to Carol and move back to Dallas.

  When the doorbell rang, it took her by surprise. No one had mentioned dropping by. It was probably Jake. He stopped by once a week or so to see if she needed help with anything, but she suspected he came mostly for news of Carol. He always managed to bring the conversation around to her eventually. She wished he'd make up his mind about what he wanted, then do it.

  With a smile of welcome on her face, she opened the door.

  It felt strange to ring the doorbell of the house he'd called home for most of his life. Logan noticed the new owner had planted Cannas in the front flower bed. The bright red and yellow flowers made the front of the house more welcoming. The front door sported a wreath adorned with flowers and tiny birdhouses. Feminine touches, he thought. The new owner must be married.

  He turned when the door opened, prepared to introduce himself. Before he could say a word, Katie squealed, "Megan!" and ran headlong into her arms.

  The sight of Megan hit him like a sledgehammer against concrete. His entire body vibrated, his nerves hummed, his breath rushed out in a whoosh. He was too stunned to move. All he could do was watch as she wrapped her arms around Katie, tears springing to her eyes, then spilling over onto her cheeks.